Brain Change

"When You Hear Hoofbeats, Think of a Zebra." -by Shems Friedlander

This is the title of one of my favorite books ... a very short book, quick and easy to read. Based on the thoughts/writings of a Sufi tariqa, it encourages one to alter one's habits of thinking and perception and to seek a different way of "seeing."  In other words, when you hear hoofbeats, you would normally think of a horse ... and that's what you expect to see.  It's a habit your brain has formed over a lifetime of expecting the same result from the same action. Don't get me wrong, we need some positive habits to maintain our lives. Exercise, work, family responsibilities, etc.

This is gonna all seem a bit convoluted, but stay with me. I'll think you'll see the point at the end.

I find myself marveling at times over the way a child's brain functions. They are free from some of the restrictive thinking we have as adults. Play encourages imagination and creativity. A child's imagination has very few limits. And this sort of play and imagination stimulates the child's brain and leads to yet more creativity and brain development. Sometimes, I look back and catch a little flash ... a glimpse of what that used to be like ... and in that flash, I realize how habit and lack of imagination has made my thinking a bit stagnant. A stagnant brain? A stagnant life? Not for me - uh-uh!

Every so often, I have to rearrange the furniture in my house ... much to my husband's dismay. He just doesn't get it.  But it's something I HAVE to do.  Once done, I look around at my altered surroundings and feel unaccountably energized and alive and happy. It is suddenly an environment that is different ... outside my normal day-to-day experience.  The change has stimulated my brain ... it has given me a different perspective and somehow it allows my thinking and imagination and creativity to expand.  

So we begin to come to the point of all this ... change stimulates your brain.

When I first began exercising, it was SUCH HARD WORK. I was physically unhealthy and i knew that the only way to change that was to stick with it for the long haul. On the positive side, once I began walking, then running, then doing P90X, I felt my thought processes being stimulated. So many of my negative, self-directed thoughts gradually turned into a more positive outward mode of thinking.  Brain change.

When I hit a rough patch in my exercise routine, when I felt myself growing stagnant, I looked for a way to alter or vary the routine a bit. Sometimes just a simple thing like exercising in a different room, listening to different music, wearing different workout clothes ... could make a tremendous difference in my "routine." Because I took away a little of the mundane aspect and changed it up, I got my enthusiasm back.  Brain change.

I have to add here, that one of aspects of P90X that I love is the fact that the exercise routine changes from day-to-day, and then from week-to-week. The muscle confusion keeps my body stimulated and receptive to change. The ever-changing routine keeps my brain happy.

Now, I have an old habit to break and a new one to make. It's going to take a tremendous act of will.  My weakness - nutrition.  I am learning that it is every bit as important as exercise. If you are not following a sound nutrition plan, you are doing your body (and your brain) a tremendous disservice. Plain and simple, your body will not respond optimally to your exercise without it.

This has all been percolating in the back of my brain for a time and has now moved to the forefront. I don't cook (or very rarely) and I am on the go almost constantly ... and in my mind, these have been very real reasons as to why I am not following a better nutrition plan.  I have excused myself by saying, "Well, I AM staying within my calorie limits."  But the truth is, I am not feeling as well as I know I COULD. Up until now, I have been waking up each day and blindly following my normal eating routine ... and what new and wonderful results can I expect by staying on such a path?  None. 

I see clearly that it's time for another brain change. And given my insane schedule and my limitations, I will be looking for creative and imaginative ways to make sound nutrition happen for myself ... I am confidently expecting new and astounding results through new action and a new way of thinking. I like surprises ... I like the unexpected.  Can't wait to see what results this new "brain change" brings.  I won't be expecting the same old horses ... instead, I am hoping for zebras!

P90X/Day 23

Glory Rising

"Just a pile of uncut stones, but there's glory rising.

You put them there, one by one, and they're beautiful.

Just a picture of my soul, where there's glory rising.

Rough and strong and vulnerable ... it's beautiful."

... lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Margaret Becker. 

Yes, there's a relevant point. Bear with me here.

Someone asked me to tell a story about my favorite hobbies and activities. Until recently, designing and creating jewelry was my driving passion. My art has been placed on the back burner fo a bit. With God's help, P90X, and my own iron determination, something entirely new is being crafted.

I love rocks and stones and fossils and minerals and shells and odd bits of bone and wood. I use them all in my jewelry designs. I like a piece that's a bit odd and off-kilter and unexpected. I look at these bits and pieces of the earth and I'm amazed. I don't want to cut them, smooth tem, or polish them in any way. In a strange way, they have already been altered by time and circumstance. Their very existence is a result of our earth evolving and changing. I think they're beautiful just as they are ... just as God, time, and the entire rolling force of the universe slowly created and refined them.

I used to make jewelry from perfectly cut and polished little pendants and beads and other elements. In time, though, the fascination they once held for me began to wane. In time, I doscovered rock shops and gem/mineral shows. I even discovered wonderful, unexpected little pieces just lying there on the ground during my walks. I saw how utterly beautiful these stones and fossils and bones were in their more natural state. I was awed. A crooked, assymetrical piece that someone else might just walk right by, commanded my undivided attention. It may be crooked, but look at the sparkling crystal structure. It may be asymmetrical, but I see a heart shape there. Pieces with heart and little glimpses of glory. The more bent, twisted, crooked, curved, broken, and odd they are, the better I find I love them. Kinda like people whose flaws only serve to make them more compelling.

So, I look at these pieces and meditate on them until inspiration strikes ... and it always does. I look at them until I know what sort of wearable art this piece will become.

And now I've come full circle to the lyrics quoted above ... and I'm reminded of how far I've come. I'm reminded of how time, dedication, commitment, sweat, and patience can result in a changed in life ... a changed person. The lyricist isn't just speaking of rocks and stones. She is speaking of me ... of my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul. Of how God, and P90X, and my own iron determination is molding me, refining me, strengthening me, and changing me. I know that I won't be perfectly smooth and symmetrical ... rather a bit rough and odd and off-kilter and unexpected, but utterly ME ... and I'm okay with that.

A long process, but I am content with who I am in this moment because I am starting to understand all that I am capable of becoming. And I'm content to await the final result ... because I know that it will be beautiful and there will be glory rising. "Rough and strong and vulnerable and beautiful."

P90X/Day18

Changes, Part II

There are these bony protuberances between my neck and chest. Clavicles, you say? That sounds so foreign to me. I mean, I KNOW what they are. But I never saw them before. I told my doctor that I was pretty sure there was a lump underneath my left breast. His response: "I'm pretty sure that's a RIB, Lisa." Oh ... heh-heh ... ahem. Despite the fact that there's some loose skin on my tummy from all the weight loss, I can actually see dents there ... an emerging four-pack!! Good Lord. So many changes.

When John used to pull me onto his lap, my first question was always, "Am I too heavy?" He always said, "No." I was all soft and cushy and comfy to him. Feeling a little amorous the other day, i sat on his lap and leaned in for a kiss. "Ow!" he said. "What?" I queried. "You're gonna hafta move ... I can feel your butt-bones digging into my legs!"  Whoopsie! I am secretly pleased.

I see recent photos of myself and I am looking at a jawline that never existed before now. There's also a bit of loose skin underneath where my double/triple chin used to be ... urgh! A few lines around my mouth where all used to be smooth and plump with excess flesh. Well, never mind that. I have learned that if I smile real, real big, you can't see the lines and/or loose skin. And what's not to smile about? Sure, there are a few flaws ... but they are marks of victory for me.  I have EARNED them. I have made up my mind to be PROUD of them. Know why? Because underneath it all, there are firm, strong muscles emerging where once there was only fat. And just as important, inside my head there lives a firm resolve where once there was only depression and despair. Evidence of all my hard work ... evidence of positive, ongoing change.

A friend of mine asked me, "Where did Lisa go?" I told her that my liquefying fat cells were now polluting the air around us! Haha. Changes ...

Many of you know that I am currently helping to take care of a friend of mine who has recently become disabled. She doesn't get to get out and have fun much, so last week, I got her out in her wheelchair to take her to a movie. As soon as the credits finished rolling, she said she needed to go to the Ladies' room. I wheeled her out of the theater and found myself RUNNING her wheelchair down the hallway. She was laughing hysterically ... people were watching us. They were laughing, too. So was I.

Seven months ago, I could barely walk without breathing heavily. I could barely walk to the end of my road. I could barely face the day. Now I can do all those things ... not walking ... RUNNING! Not despairing ... LAUGHING! Not existing ... LIVING! In my mind, it all feels like flying.

Right at this moment, CHANGE is feeling like a very, very good thing.

P90X/Day15

Screaming Like A Banshee

Shy? Moi? Never!

I can say that now ... but it wasn't always true. I can remember a time when I felt insecure, introverted, and fearful. Fearful of calling attention to myself. Fearful of having to hear comments and advice about my weight. How can a reasonably intelligent woman be so utterly incapable of doing what was necessary to change my path? Along with all the extra weight I was carrying came a lot of negativity ... mostly self-directed.  Even then, I knew that those pounds had very little to do with who I really was and yet I still insulated myself from the world.  Too many well-meant words from friends and family ... words meant to help.  Words that hurt just the same.  Because I felt powerless to change myself.  So I shut myself inside as much as possible ... unless necessity drove me outside.  I went to work, I made/kept appointments, I shopped for groceries.  Just the necessities.  But I avoided social situations, family reunions, weddings, friends' parties & get-togethers.  When I just HAD to go out, my head was down, my arms held close to my body, my steps small and hesitant, my attitude passive.  Anything to avoid calling attention to myself.  At 300 lbs, I was becoming reclusive.  And this SO was not me ... not who I really was inside ... not by a long shot.

Thankfully, this deplorable state of being didn't last for too many years.  I remember having one of those little epiphanies that began to slowly turn my thinking around.  One day I realized, "I'm not having fun here.  I'm not enjoying my life."  So many things I once took pleasure in that made me happy ... that gave my life meaning and purpose.  Singing and music.  Going to church.  Dancing.  Laughing.  Time with my zany friends ... and if I let myself, I could be the zaniest.  Well, hey, if I let myself, I actually COULD have some fun in life.  My friends kept calling and inviting me out.  My family wanted to see me laughing and happy again.  I made up my mind that I would begin living OUTWARD.  Fat or no ... I would throw my arms out wide and embrace life ... and pretty soon, life began to embrace me back.

I began to let myself go a little.  Relax a bit into who I really was.  I looked into the faces of my friends and family.  They were enjoying me as much as I was enjoying them.  I remember thinking, "If only I could keep up with them."  I was still SO tired and lethargic.  My personality had energy, but sadly, not my body.  A handful of life-changing events unfolded from this point. A car accident and a badly broken arm.  A falling off my deck accident and a badly broken ankle/leg.  Time spent in a wheelchair.  A thyroid condition ... and new medication.  All of these events culminating in learning something new about myself ... about life.  A slow unfolding of a new sense of the rightness of life's progression. Even seemingly negative circumstances that ultimately brought new knowledge and wisdom.  I found out what I was actually capable of.  I was forced by circumstance to change, to grow, to overcome.  My old insecurity, introversion, and fear slowly receded and left me.  In their place was a new person.  The new me was confident, extraverted, and unafraid.

I remember a friend telling me, "You're the bravest person I know."  What?  When did that happen?  But it was true.  I look back and think to myself, "Who was that passive person?  She bears so little resemblence to me."  I guess the point I want to make here is that if we could just learn to relax into ourselves, relax into life, and just meet everything life brings with calm, aplomb, and confidence ... so much growth and change and even success can happen.

These days, I'm loud, a little wild, a lot crazy (the good kinda crazy).  I sing out and don't care who sees or hears me.  I throw my arms out wide and make dramatic entrances.  I smile, I laugh, I LIVE!

All this contemplation brings me to my experience with Kenpo X last night.  This marks the end of my second week on P90X and my second time to do Kenpo X.  Have I said before that I absolutely freaking LOVE Kenpo X?  All those kicks and punches ... all that yelling and intensity and sweat.  It makes me feel unaccountably POWERFUL and STRONG and CONFIDENT and ALIVE!  I told my husband, John, at the end of the workout that I would truly feel sorry for anyone who tried to mess with me.  Because this workout makes me feel so AGGRESSIVE that I actually do think i could beat the crap outta someone if I had to.  Okay, maybe I'm just a little overconfident here ... but I'm absolutely certain that I could put a big ol' hurt on someone if I had to defend myself.  John responded with, "Well, I wouldn't wanna mess with you!"

Yep, if you don't wanna have me all up in your face, punching and kicking and SCREAMING LIKE A BANSHEE ... keep back!  Danger!  Danger!  Hahaha!!

Pursuing good health, nutrition, and fitness is a completely transformative experience.  The more you give to the process, the more you get back.  The road ahead may seem like a long, almost unattainable one.  But a single step taken in the right direction ... one day at a time is key.  I continue to be amazed and astounded at how rapidly my wonderful new life is unfolding.  You are looking at a happy, fearless, new evolving person.  And that brave new person is ME!

P90X/DAY14

The Bright Side

This morning, my post on Facebook said that I was ready to "MAKE THE DAY - not just face it. Because just facing it is what I did for such a long, long time. Great big chunks of my life given over to just trying to get through, get by, get done. There was some joy and happiness and smiles along the way. I am very good at putting on a happy face even when I am frowning slightly on the inside. I put a lot of effort into trying to see the bright side. Even when I was tired out, dragged down, and worn out. From doing what exactly? Not very much as it turns out. Someone once told me that energy begets energy. In other words, the more energy (however little that may be at first) that you put into something, the more your energy grows and expands ... hence, the better you will become at that something.

So today the day after Thanksgiving, I am contemplating The Bright Side. Yesterday was an extremely busy but absolutely wonderful day, filled with laugther, hugs, and the people I love most. Near the end of my day, I received an incredible, unexpected gift. A chance meeting with a dear, dear friend that I hadn't seen in decades. The absolute crown to my day! I went to sleep last night exhausted but with a huge smile on my face and a happy, happy heart. So why did I wake up feeling just a litle deflated this morning?  Okay, okay ... very normal to feel this way after a long, tiring day. The excitement has dampened down a bit and I'm back to the normal grind. WAIT! Back to the grind? Stop it, Lisa, just stop it. You have grown way beyond just "facing the day." Every new dawn brings an unprecedented opportunity to "MAKE THE DAY!" From that moment, my resolution this morning became to "Make the Day" and one way of doing that was to take every circumstance that came my way and look at The Bright Side.

Popped in today's P90X dvd ... Chest & Back. I thought to myself, "Man, after yesterday, I am really too tired for this." First thing I noticed was that Eric looks SO MUCH like Keith Urban. Really made me smile 'cause I just LOVE Keith Urban. So I'm thinking ... cool, I get to look at this really fit dude working out with me today. The Bright Side.

Next, I'm really starting to work up a sweat, but I'm getting a little tense and aggravated because I still want to execute every move PERFECTLY. I have balance issues and have to have a chair nearby for all those exercises where you have to lean over standing on one foot. I can't do a pull-up/chin-up ... gotta use the bands. I can't get all the way through Ab Ripper X without pausing here and there. WAIT! Where's The Bright Side? ... lemme see ... hmmmm ... lemme think.

I hear Tony saying, "Do your best and forget the rest." Well, I give myself a little pat on the back, because ya know what? I AM doing my best. It's not perfect, but it's awful danged good, let me tell you! The Bright Side.

Seven+ months ago, there were so many moves I couldnt' do and now I CAN. I know that my hard work and patience will reward me at the end of this 90 days. The past seven+ months have proven that. The Bright Side. When I get to the end of this 90 days and I see what I am able to do at that point, I know that I will surprise myself. I also know that the end of this 90 days is not the end. There will always be another and another. I am beginning ot realize that each day that I strive to "MAKE THE DAY" ... that all these collective days are culminating in making my new life. A life that is already better, brighter, and brimming with promise and new energy.

First you crawl, then walk, then run, then fly. That's the whole growth process ... physical, mental, spiritual. I am already running ... I can't wait to FLY!

P90X/DAY12

Changes, Part I

Seven months ... seven months of changes that I never noticed ... couldn't see ... at first. When I started out on this journey, I was in so much physical pain and mental anguish that the days ahead seemed to stretch out into a vague unknown for me.  "Just stay with it, just stay with it, change will come"  I knew this and I kept telling myself it would happen  It WOULD happen.  But in the beginning, it all seemed so far away.  Each and every day, I dragged my lethargic self up out of the bed and out of the door for my morning walk.  it was absolutely all I could do at first. My back hurt, my hips hurt, my knees hurt. I was almost convinced that by walking, I was doing myself even more damage - the pain was that bad. The strain on my joints felt unbearable at times. I felt like crying ... instead I prayed. "Help me, help me, help me stay with this."

Every day for that first painful month, I prayed. I kept trudging down the road, up the hill, and back again ... looking down at the road, only at the road right in front of me because I couldn't bear to look at the long road, the long climb ahead. One step at a time ... one step at a time. After that first month, I suddenly realized that I didn't hurt so much anymore. I stopped praying for myself and started praying for the people who resided in the homes I passed on my walk. A new exercise in positivity. A new step from inward, self-focused negativity to a more outward positivity. Instead of looking down at the road, I found myself looking up at the day and the beauty around me. Instead of trying to just catch my breath, I was breathing deeply. Breathing in LIFE. I felt I was waking up after a long, dark sleep. I felt good. I suddenly realized that I was no longer "just making it through the day." I was LIVING!

Changes began taking shape. First, the pain abated. Then my outlook changed. Then came the physical changes ... and they continue to come. Changes that I NEVER thought I'd see. Once the whole change process started (and it was really from day one - I just couldn't see it then), it was like a rapid domino effect. Once change gave birth to another. The road ahead didn't seem so long and vauge to me any longer. How can I convey what this feels like? I don't know that I can.

When you see before & after photos of people who have achieved success, it's always so amazing to see what their body was before and through HARD WORK, what it has now become. What you don't see in the photos is all the amazing, incredible, and unexpected changes on the inside. A whole new outlook, a whole new world, a whole new life. A life that is no longer a dreaded thing that you have to drag yourself through, but an incredible new thing, where you just can't wait to meet the next adventure around the corner.

Today, I have an extremely heavy schedule. It's gonna be a huge challenge to get it all done ... but I find that I'm actually looking forward to it. These past seven months have shown me that I actually enjoy a challenge. These past seven months have shown me that I can meet a new challenge head-on with a sense of anticipation and with a great big smile on my face.

Here's to changes!

P90X/DAY10

Sweat ... But Don't Sweat It!

"I don't care if you can't do it perfectly ... I just care if you try!"  Yes, that's what Tony said to me as I was doing Day 8 - Core Synergistics.  He said it just in time, too.

Since this is only my second week, I am still unable to do some of the moves.  Let me rephrase that ... I am unable to do some of the moves as PERFECTLY as I long to.  Halfway through the dvd, I find myself on the floor on all fours, looking up at the t.v. sceen and watching these perfectly muscled individuals RUNNING IN PLANK POSITION.  Next thing I know, they're scrambling across the floor, "walking" on their hands & feet - again in PLANK POSITION. Seriously, people?  What the heck, I'll give it a go ... and immediately felt the tension building in both my mind and my neck and hearing my traitorous brain whisper, "You can't do this." "Shut UP!" I silently scream back.  I'm preaching "no negativity" here ... how am I gonna get through these moves with this devil on my shoulder spouting all this negativity?  Where's my angel?  I need him NOW!

At that moment, I hear Tony telling me, "I don't care if you can't do it pefectly ... I just care if you TRY!"  Oh, okay ... I can DO that.  I'm in plank position, there's a whole lotta butt-rise, and here I go, scrabbling madly across the floor like some kind of big ol' bug, laughing like a maniac (I'm convinced that laughter is an absolutely WONDERFUL core exercise) ... 'cause I know that I look crazy with my booty high in the air, arms & legs flailing about.  Well, I think to myself, I must be doing SOMEthing right.  'Cause all of a sudden, I had to fling my glasses off ... couldn't see a thing outta my right eye.  Know why?  There were huge drops of sweat pooling inside the right lens.  When I took them off, I had to look down because my hand landed in something wet and slick on the floor ... my own sweat.  A lot of it.  Inside my head, I begin to relax.  I may not be doing it perfectly, but I'm doing it.  Something incredible is happening here.  Not only is my body changing, but my mind is changing, too.

Funny to me how Tony manages to say just what I need to hear, just when I need to hear it. This has happened time and time again over the past eight days.  There's no magic here.  There's only grunting, teeth-grinding, sweating effort.  I'm learning ... I'm learning that there's no need or point in me telling myself "you can't do this."  If I could do everything perfectly, I would be ready to move on to a harder, more challenging program, right?  I'm beginning to see that the difficulty of every moment of every move IS the point.  It's hard ... and it's working because it's hard.  And just getting through it, even when you have to modify, is a tremendous accomplishment.

While my body is working hard, I want my brain to relax into each moment and movement. Sweat, but don't sweat it - another good mantra for this whole process, I think.  I have flicked the devil of negativity off my shoulder.  He has been replaced by my angel of positivity. Thanks, Tony Horton :)

P90X/DAY9