Screaming Like A Banshee

Shy? Moi? Never!

I can say that now ... but it wasn't always true. I can remember a time when I felt insecure, introverted, and fearful. Fearful of calling attention to myself. Fearful of having to hear comments and advice about my weight. How can a reasonably intelligent woman be so utterly incapable of doing what was necessary to change my path? Along with all the extra weight I was carrying came a lot of negativity ... mostly self-directed.  Even then, I knew that those pounds had very little to do with who I really was and yet I still insulated myself from the world.  Too many well-meant words from friends and family ... words meant to help.  Words that hurt just the same.  Because I felt powerless to change myself.  So I shut myself inside as much as possible ... unless necessity drove me outside.  I went to work, I made/kept appointments, I shopped for groceries.  Just the necessities.  But I avoided social situations, family reunions, weddings, friends' parties & get-togethers.  When I just HAD to go out, my head was down, my arms held close to my body, my steps small and hesitant, my attitude passive.  Anything to avoid calling attention to myself.  At 300 lbs, I was becoming reclusive.  And this SO was not me ... not who I really was inside ... not by a long shot.

Thankfully, this deplorable state of being didn't last for too many years.  I remember having one of those little epiphanies that began to slowly turn my thinking around.  One day I realized, "I'm not having fun here.  I'm not enjoying my life."  So many things I once took pleasure in that made me happy ... that gave my life meaning and purpose.  Singing and music.  Going to church.  Dancing.  Laughing.  Time with my zany friends ... and if I let myself, I could be the zaniest.  Well, hey, if I let myself, I actually COULD have some fun in life.  My friends kept calling and inviting me out.  My family wanted to see me laughing and happy again.  I made up my mind that I would begin living OUTWARD.  Fat or no ... I would throw my arms out wide and embrace life ... and pretty soon, life began to embrace me back.

I began to let myself go a little.  Relax a bit into who I really was.  I looked into the faces of my friends and family.  They were enjoying me as much as I was enjoying them.  I remember thinking, "If only I could keep up with them."  I was still SO tired and lethargic.  My personality had energy, but sadly, not my body.  A handful of life-changing events unfolded from this point. A car accident and a badly broken arm.  A falling off my deck accident and a badly broken ankle/leg.  Time spent in a wheelchair.  A thyroid condition ... and new medication.  All of these events culminating in learning something new about myself ... about life.  A slow unfolding of a new sense of the rightness of life's progression. Even seemingly negative circumstances that ultimately brought new knowledge and wisdom.  I found out what I was actually capable of.  I was forced by circumstance to change, to grow, to overcome.  My old insecurity, introversion, and fear slowly receded and left me.  In their place was a new person.  The new me was confident, extraverted, and unafraid.

I remember a friend telling me, "You're the bravest person I know."  What?  When did that happen?  But it was true.  I look back and think to myself, "Who was that passive person?  She bears so little resemblence to me."  I guess the point I want to make here is that if we could just learn to relax into ourselves, relax into life, and just meet everything life brings with calm, aplomb, and confidence ... so much growth and change and even success can happen.

These days, I'm loud, a little wild, a lot crazy (the good kinda crazy).  I sing out and don't care who sees or hears me.  I throw my arms out wide and make dramatic entrances.  I smile, I laugh, I LIVE!

All this contemplation brings me to my experience with Kenpo X last night.  This marks the end of my second week on P90X and my second time to do Kenpo X.  Have I said before that I absolutely freaking LOVE Kenpo X?  All those kicks and punches ... all that yelling and intensity and sweat.  It makes me feel unaccountably POWERFUL and STRONG and CONFIDENT and ALIVE!  I told my husband, John, at the end of the workout that I would truly feel sorry for anyone who tried to mess with me.  Because this workout makes me feel so AGGRESSIVE that I actually do think i could beat the crap outta someone if I had to.  Okay, maybe I'm just a little overconfident here ... but I'm absolutely certain that I could put a big ol' hurt on someone if I had to defend myself.  John responded with, "Well, I wouldn't wanna mess with you!"

Yep, if you don't wanna have me all up in your face, punching and kicking and SCREAMING LIKE A BANSHEE ... keep back!  Danger!  Danger!  Hahaha!!

Pursuing good health, nutrition, and fitness is a completely transformative experience.  The more you give to the process, the more you get back.  The road ahead may seem like a long, almost unattainable one.  But a single step taken in the right direction ... one day at a time is key.  I continue to be amazed and astounded at how rapidly my wonderful new life is unfolding.  You are looking at a happy, fearless, new evolving person.  And that brave new person is ME!

P90X/DAY14