There are these bony protuberances between my neck and chest. Clavicles, you say? That sounds so foreign to me. I mean, I KNOW what they are. But I never saw them before. I told my doctor that I was pretty sure there was a lump underneath my left breast. His response: "I'm pretty sure that's a RIB, Lisa." Oh ... heh-heh ... ahem. Despite the fact that there's some loose skin on my tummy from all the weight loss, I can actually see dents there ... an emerging four-pack!! Good Lord. So many changes.
When John used to pull me onto his lap, my first question was always, "Am I too heavy?" He always said, "No." I was all soft and cushy and comfy to him. Feeling a little amorous the other day, i sat on his lap and leaned in for a kiss. "Ow!" he said. "What?" I queried. "You're gonna hafta move ... I can feel your butt-bones digging into my legs!" Whoopsie! I am secretly pleased.
I see recent photos of myself and I am looking at a jawline that never existed before now. There's also a bit of loose skin underneath where my double/triple chin used to be ... urgh! A few lines around my mouth where all used to be smooth and plump with excess flesh. Well, never mind that. I have learned that if I smile real, real big, you can't see the lines and/or loose skin. And what's not to smile about? Sure, there are a few flaws ... but they are marks of victory for me. I have EARNED them. I have made up my mind to be PROUD of them. Know why? Because underneath it all, there are firm, strong muscles emerging where once there was only fat. And just as important, inside my head there lives a firm resolve where once there was only depression and despair. Evidence of all my hard work ... evidence of positive, ongoing change.
A friend of mine asked me, "Where did Lisa go?" I told her that my liquefying fat cells were now polluting the air around us! Haha. Changes ...
Many of you know that I am currently helping to take care of a friend of mine who has recently become disabled. She doesn't get to get out and have fun much, so last week, I got her out in her wheelchair to take her to a movie. As soon as the credits finished rolling, she said she needed to go to the Ladies' room. I wheeled her out of the theater and found myself RUNNING her wheelchair down the hallway. She was laughing hysterically ... people were watching us. They were laughing, too. So was I.
Seven months ago, I could barely walk without breathing heavily. I could barely walk to the end of my road. I could barely face the day. Now I can do all those things ... not walking ... RUNNING! Not despairing ... LAUGHING! Not existing ... LIVING! In my mind, it all feels like flying.
Right at this moment, CHANGE is feeling like a very, very good thing.
P90X/Day15
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